So, we're having this competition at work called "Walk the Walk." It requires the participants to wear a pedometer during all waking hours. At the end of the contest the person who has taken the most steps wins. Simple, right? Well, a certain department in our company decided to actually read the instructions for the chinese-made pedometers and an hilarious letter was the result:
Wellness Team,
While we as a team have been dutifully wearing our pedometers in order to step in time, some questions have arisen as a result of a closer inspection of the “Operational Manual.”
1. This stepping meter can only count correctly under the flat plant.
As you may have noticed, there’s really not enough foliage around the building to stay under all the time in order to get correctly counted steps. While some of us have some houseplants around the office, carrying them around over our heads just to get pedometer points has resulted in some awkward and embarrassing situations. Additionally, mine may be broken because I think it occasionally counts steps when I’m not squarely positioned underneath any plants, flat or otherwise.
2. Under the following condition, the stepping meter can’t count correctly:
i. Moon walking, Wearing sandal
ii. When walking in the tricky condition
iii. Vibration without walking
Firstly (I like using first as an adverb), why the anti-moon walking discrimination? I, for one, don’t want to work for a company that discourages the act of moon walking as a legitimate form of intraoffice transportation. If the pedometer doesn’t work for people wearing sandals, then that’s just fine. We totally agree that there’s no need for hippies to get any more fit than absolutely necessary for them to live in their agri-commune and sleep in trees.
Second, as it relates to being in the tricky condition, does the pedometer rule out simply walking or is this expanded to include jogging, running, shuffling, cantering, loping, dance dance revolutioning, and any general ambulatory activity? We have emailed the Ministry of Silly Walks for clarification, but everyone knows they don’t spend much time in the office answering emails, so we could use some guidance on when one enters the tricky condition and whether sustained periods of trickiness are similarly excluded.
Finally, what are people doing with their pedometers when rule 2(iii) becomes necessary? Without jumping straight to the logical assumption that they are calling out construction street workers who specialize in jackhammering concrete, we feel that any other extracurricular, off-work-site personal activities that encourage cardiovascular vigor should have a place in any corporate wellness program.
3. The stepping meter can be reset by pressing “Reset” button.
Can we please get more clear instructions on the reset process instead of all the cryptic tech-speak? We’re accountants, not engineers, dag-na-bit.
Who knew accountants could be SO dang funny?
